Pendulum
by OctobersRequiem
Summary: Sasuke looks back on all the things he's done for the sake of revenge and settles on a new goal to drive him forward. Oneshot.


**Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Kishimoto-sensei, not myself. (Regrettably)**

**A/N - I always wondered what was going on in Sasuke's head after he killed Itachi and joined Akatsuki. And because I still believe in him, I refused to believe it had nothing to do with Naruto. So I thought I'd give writing it out a try, to get used to the way Sasuke might think for future fics. Hope you enjoy.**

* * *

Sasuke closed his eyes tightly. Karin and Suigetsu were bickering as they usually did, but Sasuke was too busy choking on the feeling climbing up his throat to be annoyed. The strange, heavy, broken feeling that he wasn't used to.

He had killed his brother.

The mere thought of this made Sasuke feel as if the world had tipped upside down and he was falling through the atmosphere into the deep emptiness of space. The past few years he had been so focused on his goal that he hadn't had any time to feel guilt, and what loneliness he did feel he had beaten back with thought of his goal.

But now he had achieved his goal, and learned the truth from Madara. The entire explanation had made Sasuke feel as though somebody was strangling him. His gut twisted painfully as he thought about it, about how he had just acted on his ignorant knowledge without looking deeper into his brother's intentions.

How he had been denying that he loved his brother all along. Choosing to believe that the happy memories he had of his past with him were tainted by the person his brother had become. The guilt and sorrow he felt had called attention to another guilty feeling, one almost surpassing the pain he experienced as he was left to live with the fact that he had killed his only kin.

Naruto.

The name stuck in Sasuke's mind, refusing to budge no matter how hard he tried to push it back. After he had left Konoha, he had been so sure that his bonds would only tie him down, that he didn't need Naruto, that he had a bigger goal than things like happiness and friendship. He had been able to ignore his feelings up until now.

So why did that have to change?

He couldn't answer that as he walked next to his three underlings, the sun beating down on him. The word companion was not something Sasuke had ever applied to them. No, that word was already in use and couldn't be replaced by his current group, no matter how close they got. His only true companions had been his team. The memories of his days as a new Genin flooded his mind. He clenched his teeth as he tried to switch his train of thought, but the memories refused to budge just like the name in his mind.

Naruto.

He had been so sure that he had killed all emotions toward Naruto, that they had been left behind, scattered out among the various hideouts he had visited with Orochimaru. That every moment he had spent in the dark, staring at the ceiling and convincing himself he didn't care, had actually paid off. How the look on Naruto's face when he had last seen him had not bothered him in the least.

So what was this feeling? Why was his heart clenching so hard, rising through his throat so rapidly that he felt the need to lean over and throw it up, just to get it out of himself? To make it stop? Sasuke didn't want the guilt, he didn't want the flash backs. He didn't want to remember Naruto's face as they had fought at the Valley of the End. Nor Sakura's tears as he had left her behind with nothing more than that thank you, for what, he still didn't know. Nor did he want to hear Kakashi's words echoing in his mind.... "_Revenge will leave you with only emptiness._"

He didn't feel very empty. He felt like his insides were struggling to tear out of him and that he didn't really have the strength to hold them back.

Karin's tone hiked up a few notches as she threw a particularly scathing remark at Suigetsu. Sasuke tilted his head back at the blue sky, staring into it like it would give him contentment, acceptance, forgiveness. But it was useless, because it wasn't the right shade of blue, and not half as deep as the eyes he wanted to see those things in.

But Sasuke already knew that he couldn't go back. His first thought after he had killed Itachi was relief...it was finally over. He wasn't bound by that burden anymore, he could live how he chose. And then Madara had shown up and explained the events of his brother's tragic past to him. Sasuke had taken it all in, like a cat lapping down cream. He had been angry, furious even, that his brother had been treated so. But the feeling of fear that was growing inside of him had quelled somewhat.

"_Yes,_" He had thought, "_This gives me a true purpose, a reason not to have to face it._"

Sasuke hated the fact that such a cowardly thought had even gone through his mind, but he recognized truth when he saw it. He knew his brother hadn't wanted the village destroyed, that he wanted to protect it and everyone who lived there so peacefully. He hadn't wanted Sasuke to take revenge on his behalf, he had wanted him to protect such a precious, fragile thing.

And deep down, Sasuke felt the same way.

But in the bottom of his heart, locked away in a very dark place, the fear pushed at him and grew with every breath he had taken. _"What if they don't take me back? Don't forgive me? What if I no longer have a place there?"_

So he jumped on the chance, telling Madara that he would avenge his brother, even though he knew neither he nor Itachi truly wanted it. He was truly furious at how much Itachi had suffered, and what he had said was true, Itachi was more important to Sasuke than the village. But Sasuke knew that wasn't why he jumped on the chance of revenge the second the truth became clear. He was afraid and he truly hated being afraid.

But it was too late to go back, so he had stuck with what he knew. Revenge. Yes, he knew revenge _very _well. The carnal thirst to hold the thing that had caused such feelings between his hands and crush it slowly, torture it until he was satisfied.

Because he couldn't go back, it truly was to late for him. He couldn't turn around and retrace his steps into the past. He couldn't return to such contentment with the nagging fear that maybe when he got there, no one would greet him, not even Naruto. That he'd be rejected because he had been so easily swayed but such petty ideals as revenge. That maybe the betrayal ran too deep.

He didn't want to see the looks of disappointment on Sakura, Kakashi, and Naruto's faces. To face the things he'd done, the choices he'd made.

The helping hand he had given up.

Naruto's face flashed in front of his eyes. His foolish grin, the one he had often worn on missions when he got into trouble for stupid things. Sasuke still remembered the exact way the the blonde hair fell around those mischievous blue eyes, and the way the corner of Naruto's mouth would quirk, until he finally let the full grin pull across his face.

It was Naruto's best expression, in Sasuke's opinion. Much better than the look of complete determination Sasuke had was so used to seeing now. The one that said Naruto wasn't giving up on him, like he should. The one that had all those hidden hurt feelings lurking behind it, just waiting to give way any second. To Sasuke, it always looked like Naruto was about to cry.

Sasuke's heart twisted uncomfortably, knowing that he had given Naruto such an expression.

He knew Naruto would never stop chasing him. Just like he now knew no matter how much he repressed it, his bond with Naruto was still there. These feelings of guilt weighing him down with every step he took were proof of that.

Well, if Naruto wanted to chase him, Sasuke would give him what he wanted. It was his twisted way for making up for it. He would make Naruto chase him to the ends of the earth. He would throw himself into his plot for revenge with all of the force he had.

Because he couldn't give Naruto what he seemed to want to so desperately.

He couldn't go back.

"Sasuke?"

Sasuke was jerked out of his thoughts by Karin's voice. He blinked around him, noticing the strange looks they were all giving him. And the fact that they had stopped walking.

"Are you okay? You've been standing there for a while" Karin asked, and then she seemed to hesitate before continuing. "And you sounded like you said something just now."

Sasuke realized that he had been the one to stop walking and that they were waiting on him. He wanted to take a deep breath, close his eyes and scream, but he shoved the feeling away. Ignoring the stares they were giving him, he started walking again. "Let's go." was all he said to them.

He didn't miss the looks they were exchanging behind his back, but just kept walking. Let them think what they wanted.

He knew what he had said. That he'd been so caught up in his thoughts that it tumbled out of his mouth without him even realizing, the name falling so comfortably from his lips.

Naruto.

The name would haunt his every thought, every step, every breath, driving him forward. He wouldn't mind if the last thing he saw before he closed his eyes a final time were those watery, deep blue eyes staring at him.

In fact, he was counting on it.

"So..." Suigetsu said, throwing an arm around his shoulder. Sasuke grimaced at the contact. "You really think you can defeat the Hachibi?"

Sasuke didn't even dignify that with a response.

He'd defeat the Hachibi.

He'd join Akatsuki.

He'd destroy Konoha.

He'd do anything it took to keep Naruto chasing him until the end.


End file.
